Be Quiet!

I learned two new words this past week: Conversation Dominator and Conversation Narcissist. Both describe approximately the same person - the one that never shuts up. The one who will ask you a question, never pause, then continue to talk about themselves for the next 10 minutes. The one who only talks incessantly about themself and never asks or considers that you are there. You get the point and are probably now having a similar reaction that I am. It is stressful and aggravating and exhausting all at once.

I deal with these people every day. On video calls these days it is common to be interrupted mid word by someone who needs to be right or in the spotlight. I get cut off by people who hear one word, react, then go off on a tangent in whatever direction they decided was correct. But this is not limited to video conferences. It happens in one-on-one conversations in person and on the phone. WHY???!!!

Well, there are people who just need to hear themself speak. They need an audience. There are others who are so self-engrossed that it does not matter that anyone is listening or not. They are going to talk about themself and that is the only topic that matters. And they have way too much to say about it. And, there are those who are truly clueless about etiquette and allowing others to participate.

There are actions to take to curtail this behavior, but do the people really want to address it or are they even aware that they are conversation dominators? From who I deal with, the answer is NO. But if you come across someone redeemable, you can always point it out to them, cut them off to make your point, or let them know that you'd like to contribute ("I would like to finish my thought, then would like to hear your thought"). My newest approach is to not give them space. I turn off my camera and walk away or just sit at my desk and let them ramble while I do something else. It is not the best solution, but I decided that if they do not care that I am listening and cannot be respectful of my participation than it is not worth my time to invest in their ego trip.

FYI - i also started recording my video calls and on average, I speak 10 to 20 percent of the time. Sometimes this is because I am not the host, but even when I am an active contributor, I am monitoring my time to improve my conciseness of communication. Also, I actively work on listening skills, so this helps me grow as a coach. I started this because I am seeing an uprise in the number of over-talkers out there. Maybe they are lonely or insecure or just egomaniacal. It does not matter why, but I do know that I will not be one of them although they seem to be all around me.

What would your percentage be? Is is aligned with your role and expected contribution? There is a quote: 'The more you know, the less you talk. The less you talk, the more you know.' (Mokokoma Mokhonoana). I believe this and think about it every time I open my mouth.

If you can STFU, we can have a conversation. Reach out to me at https://calendly.com/libb-coaching or at [email protected].