Volunteers. Not Hostages.

One of my favorite things in life is being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. This becomes obvious for anyone who spends time with me. I use analogies and history as examples in my coaching sessions and operate with a generally amped up adrenalin attitude from August to February. I'm a fan, not a groupie, and not attached to any outcome. It's a wonderful way to enjoy the greatness of the franchise and the sport.

Today, Mike Tomlin used a phrase "we want volunteers, not hostages" to describe actions around the trade of a player. It got me thinking about where in my business and life I am a hostage. Where am I maintaining relationships that no longer serve me?

I've written about this before - - eliminating toxic relationships in business that hold us back. But sometimes, the relationships are not toxic in that they are obviously detrimental. They are just over. Periodically someone or something that was not previously a hostage situation has now become one, which becomes more notable the more in tune with yourself you become. This happens with business relationships, employees, partners, clients, etc. - - everyone and anything.

For instance, I had lunch with a multi-decade long friend. Not once during the lunch was I asked how I was or anything about me. I heard all about her limitations and problems, asked questions when she let me get a word in, but not once did she ask about anything about me and often responded when I spoke with "oh" (monotone, monosyllabic aggressively uninterested). This was hurtful and puzzling as I know how to carry and move forward a conversation. I could not wait to end the lunch. When I got home, my head was throbbing and I knew that friendship had run its course and she is now an acquaintance/ someone I used to know. I was held hostage at lunch.

In business, I look back and think about the crazy t-shirt manufacturer I was partnered with. I was held hostage in that situation because of their greater financial resources and closer relationship with the Army client. When it became too painful for me, I left. I had to evade phone calls (20 per day) because of their horrible effect on my health and over something that I had no control over. But it took a couple years during which there was never a good conversation, never a laugh, never reciprocated courtesy. Pure hostage situation.

Likewise, I saw it with employees who outlived their 'volunteerism'. They became problems, actively missing deadlines, not doing their part of a project, being rude to clients and colleagues, refusing to help others. I saw it all. So when it became clear that I was holding them hostage as an employee, but they were holding my company hostage as a liability, I terminated them. Life was so much more pleasant without them.

So how do you spot when your being pulled off your path, muzzled and the rope is coming out to tie you to a relationship? How do you recognize becoming a hostage in business?

• You dread interactions with them. There is no joy in speaking, seeing or hearing from them. Just dread.
• You leave meetings or calls exhausted. They have sucked the life out of you and left you void.
• You start to procrastinate any interaction, knowing that it will not be positive. Everything is put on the back burner because in your heart, you know they will suck your energy and take whatever they can from you.
• You count the time until you are done with them. Everything is measured by how much longer you are tied to them until you can set yourself free.
• You structure things to work around them. They become the big obstacle in the way of anything.
• You cannot see any future with them in it. This is the start of detaching from the hostage situation. Congratulations. You're on your way.

Once you've spotted hostage situations, figure out how to get away. There is no upside. Both sides are no longer aligned .

Choose to spend time with those who share your values, celebrate your successes, and are there to support you. Stay aware of who gives you energy and who is an energy vampire. Where are you held hostage by history, contract, pride or any other reason. The goal is to be a Volunteer, not a hostage. Be where and with who you want to be, not where you feel obliged to be.

Set yourself free! Reach out to me at https://www.calendly.com/libby-coaching or [email protected]. Here we go!